News

News: I moved the keyboard to my room and now I feel strongly inclined to tell the world that I adore Phantom of the Opera. Everything is perfectly normal and no, I don't have access to any secret underground labyrinth...yet.

--12 August 2017 --

Quote: Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest of hearts. --Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

The Fellowship

July 6, 2011

An Excerpt -- TARM#2: Ch. 3

I was talking with Jake earlier today concerning our books and formatting; just as he went to sign off, he encouraged me to keep writing :) [thanks!] and so I decided it wouldn't hurt to pick up book 2 of The Adventures of Ramsy Motch (book 1 was my NaNo project) and add on where I left off. Unfortunately, when I picked it up at chapter 9, I realized I had forgotten what was going on :P so I spent the last hour reading from the beginning. I'm actually quite surprised that the second book isn't as bad as I thought it was (the first has lots of errors, but this one seems to be doing quite well). Anyways, I thought I'd share a little bit with you :) Enjoy!

Abrie laughed and they continued up the slope. The gates of Percyville loomed over them, towering like sentinels. They were open for daily travel, so the group just walked inside. Abrie smiled at the guard who stared rudely at first but then nodded back and turned away.
"Do you think they--"
Ramsy interrupted his sister, "Don't worry about your face. It will attract stares, and perhaps even some rude remarks, but just remember how God saved you. You'll be fine, Abrie. I think you're a hero; you look like a warrior too."
Abrie smiled and patted him on the back, nearly knocking Flower off her well-worn perch, "Thanks."
The streets of Percyville were far nicer than those of Peonte or Croogia in Widdoland. They weren't crowed at all. The shops were spaced nicely and there were sidewalks, much like one would see on earth. The center thoroughfare was used for carriages and carts of all shapes and sizes. Some were pulled by prancing horses, others were pulled by Yiddelites. The layout was, altogether, very clean and tidy. Ramsy walked beside Abrie as they followed the winding street upwards towards the civilian area.
"Where are we going?" asked Aarty to Pordado.
"Up! Up and up, my friend."
Abrie and Ramsy exchanged a look and smiled at each other. Up and up? thought Ramsy, he certainly is weird.
As they trekked further towards the top of the city, where Percyville Castle lay, Ramsy noticed the lots became more spacious and blooming cherry trees were planted along the side of the road. Their sweet smelling blossoms littered the path. As the carts and people crushed them, their released their fragrance, making the entire street smell heavenly.
"This really is a wonderful place." admitted Ramsy. Abrie nodded.
"Aha!" cried Pordado. He jumped up and nearly clicked his heels together. Ramsy rolled his eyes and looked ahead. In front of them lay a quaint tavern.
"Tis the Big Nose." said Pordado.
"The Big Nose? What kind of name is that?" snorted Ramsy.
Pordado stared at him, "Tis a good name, lad. A very good name. I like it myself. Come along, come along. Let's go find a room."

Yes, this is the original, un-edited version...so there are lots of grammar errors and such :P editing will come later, once I finish this tale!

Signed to mo ghile mear, Omriel (even though he isn't really ghile lolz neither is he much of a mear XD),

Squeaks.

3 comments:

  1. I like it! :) I really do. I can see where it must be edited, but I think it's rather well-done.

    The only thing that really bothered me was this sentence; "Abrie smiled at the guard who stared rudely at first but then nodded back and turned away."

    It's far too long and far too short at the same time. ;) But what I mean is, it's a long sentence with four actions (smiling, staring rudely, nodding, turning away). But, it doesn't show us why he turned away and nodded, so it's too short.

    To fix, you should probably break it up into a couple sentences and show us why he nodded and turned away. :)

    Make sense? xD

    Great bit. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Jake! Yes, that sentence caught my eye too; it felt...off. I appreciate your critique :D I'll fix it up :)

    Squeaks.

    ReplyDelete
  3. lol... Pordado certainly is weird. XD But I love the cherry trees and their crushed blossoms making the street smell heavenly - if I ever make a city that's going on the architectural plan. ;)

    ReplyDelete

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